saintcheney: (mj: dangerous gif)
[personal profile] saintcheney
In honor of the Writer's Block question, I'm going to post some profile highlights from the world of internet dating, which like I said, I mock as a hobby. I am a bad person and I should feel bad, whatever.

I will present these with little to no commentary, because there is nothing I can say that can enhance the following excerpts. I would only detract.

With that said...



"I have a Godly glow that started a couple of years ago. It draws people to me like moths to a flame. The glow makes men want to me my best friend and women often confuse my glow for lust or attraction. I am celibate and trying to wait for THE ONE."

"My words are very powerful. FRIENDS FIRST Please! If you communicate with me for very long it will be natural for you to develop feelings of love for me."

"I love kids and cannot wait to have a family of my own. And, my mom can't wait either...lol.."
This is not the way to get a girl to like you, do you realize that? No. You don't.

"Remember, what you read below are the specifics of what I'm looking for in a spouse."
And it goes on for three full screens of tiny, tiny text.
What the heck, this crap needs credited!
See here: http://www.christiandatingforfree.com/view_profile.php?userid=3864

"Within the next year I'll be taking the money I save to go to a technical school to work as a sound engineer or somthing to that degree. I have a lot of ambitions, the trick is to figure out which ones are mine, and which ones are God's actual plan for me. I play City of Heroes a LOT."
TL;DR: I don't do anything. At. All.

"I'm currently in the midst of a divorce (the paperwork is ready to be filed, finally), my wife and i were married for 8 years and together for 12 years. It has drug out for a while for a couple of reasons: #1 we are staying friends, and as such, are doing a dissolution and doing all of the paperwork ourselves with no legal assistance, so we had to pull together quite a bit of stuff. And since we are friends, we felt no real sense of urgency. #2 I'm on her health insurance, and I could not get any through my work, so I'm sure I have drug my heels a bit because of that too."


"The most important thing ____ is looking for in a person: The top and most important that I am looking for are as follows; 1. Christian 2. Has a good steady job/career or going toward one!! 3. Not living with or off of parents! 4. Responsible person 5. Good communicator (Listen as well as talk in balance) 6. Compassionate 7. Honest 8. Independent - Don't want a stay at home wife 9. Emotionally available 10.Understands at least a little bit of medical (to understand my life) 11.Likes to Dance or wants to learn 12.Around my height, or shorter, with an athletic to average build"

Honey, that's TWELVE things. It's TWELVE. (And you're not such a catch yourself).

And... when I try to find these things, I can't.

Date: 2010-01-19 04:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fifmeister.livejournal.com
BWAHAHAHAHAHA. *falls off chair*

If you communicate with me for very long it will be natural for you to develop feelings of love for me.

What. Just...what.

Man, after reading some of these, the creepy dude at work who's into me is starting to look like a catch in comparison.

And whoa, is that last guy from eHarmony? Because I'm pretty sure he might have been one of my "matches." I remember reading a profile that sounded eerily like that one, in any case.

Date: 2010-01-19 04:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
Not only that, I know the last guy, and Amberly went on a date with him - and I strongly encourage her to tell her story. He goes to my church and hangs out at State St. Starbucks a lot. I'm absolutely sure he was one of your matches, because he was also her match and my match.

And you are confirming that everyone in the tricounty area knows he's single. And I am filled with joy, because he makes me laugh, and I find him obnoxious.

Edited Date: 2010-01-19 04:30 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-20 01:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] missright.livejournal.com
I am going to start a blog called, "WHAT *** ******** TAUGHT ME ABOUT DATING," and it's going to start with a list of things that SHOULD NOT HAPPEN on a date, ESPECIALLY a first one. Also, I need to re-learn all my html skillz because I want capslock feels excessive when italics would do.

THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN ON A DATE, ESPECIALLY A FIRST ONE:

1. You should not walk up to the register and chat with the barista before greeting your date, who is already there. (Also, you have seen her picture, so you can't claim you didn't recognize her)
2. When you and your date go to the counter to order and the barista asks you what you are doing here, you should respond, "We are on a date," NOT "WE ARE JUST HANGING OUT."
3. You should not flirt with the barista, thus getting your drink free, and upsized at that.
4. You should not admit that you go into Victoria's Secret. EVER. ESPECIALLY that you go there with all of your female friends. That's just creepy.
5. You should not ask your date how she learned about sex.
6. When the barista comes back around to ask why you've been there so long or if you want anything else, you should respond, "No, thanks, WE'RE ON A DATE," or somehow politely brush her off, NOT PUT EVERYTHING ON HOLD TO TALK TO HER. ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE IS 6 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU.
7. You should show some traces of manliness.
8. You should not stop to hug the barista goodbye before leaving.
9. And finally: you should not talk to your date for nearly four hours, give your date MULTIPLE GOOD-NIGHT HUGS, invite your date to certain specific events in the future, and add her as a friend on facebook before she can even get home... and then tell her you don't want to go out again because "there just wan't any chemistry."

Looking back, it was obviously horrible. But I was so determined to have a good time and I wanted to like him so badly, that I talked myself into it and was actually quite disappointed when he wasn't interested in furthering things. After reading that list, though, THANK GOD HE WASN'T.

Date: 2010-01-20 01:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] missright.livejournal.com
Scratch out "I want."

My typing skills are made of fail after about 8pm.

Date: 2010-01-20 01:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
It's okay, I think I've edited 5 out of the past 6 comments I've made on lj.

Date: 2010-01-20 01:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAHAHA, THIS. ALL OF IT.

Re: #4 - It's because he's the classic gay guy friend. Without the fashion sense.

How much of a Starbucks whore is he? The more I think about it... he lives in Westerville. I ran into him at State St., which I know he frequents. I'm sure he knows baristas there, because everyone there knows each other and everyone there is from the church. And you met him in Dublin. Where he flirted with the barista. I have a feeling he's just making the rounds on his many days off, flirting with the baristas of the greater Columbus area. FREE DRINKS FOREVER.

Edited because Lola isn't ragey enough.
Edited Date: 2010-01-20 01:38 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-20 03:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] missright.livejournal.com
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

Date: 2010-01-25 12:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
This is the best response I have ever seen.

Made even better by the fact that I can hear it in my head.

Date: 2010-01-19 04:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] coventry-lance.livejournal.com
A Godly glow? Wow.

So, that last guy, is he looking for a woman to financially support him? That's what it sounds like.

Don't communicate with me, 'cause you'll fall in love!

I love when they have all these requirements for a spouse. So, for one of my classes, we had a marriage counselor talking to us (during the devotion time; teacher invited him) and he said somebody once came to him with a really long list of requirements. After reading the list, this counselor's response was, "Good luck finding a girl to meet all those. And if you do meet such a perfect girl, what makes you think she'd choose you over all other men in this world? Time to get realistic."

Date: 2010-01-19 04:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
http://www.christiandatingforfree.com/view_profile.php?userid=3864

This makes the last guy look good.

Date: 2010-01-19 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fifmeister.livejournal.com
Holy...crap.

You should first feel and get complete in Christ by yourself...This can be done by reading at least 5 solid Christian books on Christian marriage roles

Read this big list of books, and then not only will you be Teh Best Christian Evar, you'll also be ready to date me!

the potential of your wife to stay home to raise the kids in a godly manner.

*facepalm*

It was all about doing what was necessary to stay out of debt. This is called sacrifice.

Thanks for the lesson in word definitions.

I'm turned off by women who love to shop and those who are materialistic (i.e. big and or expensive cars, expensive clothing, tons of shoes, expensive furniture, etc.) and high maintenance. These are all signs of spiritual immaturity

I drive a Mercedes, therefore that makes me spiritually immature? Okay, then. I'll be sure to tell my parents they're spiritually immature, too.

I like playing intellectual card games

I love how he specifies "intellectual." God forbid he degrade himself by playing some fun, "luck of the draw" game like Uno or Phase 10.

That means someone who isn't matierialistic or a traveler...She is a non-traveler type

What the heck is wrong with traveling? *blinks* Personally I think it's pretty cool to get out and see other parts of the world that, y'know, God made.

I'm looking for the conservative, non-adventurous (outside of the "oneness" in marriage, which I want to be wild)

WHAT.

I prefer a woman whose mom has taught her how to cook and clean effectively and cheaply and thus has learned those roles for marriage already

MAKE ME A SAMMICH, WOMAN. YOU MAY BRING IT BEFORE ME AND LAY IT REVERENTLY AT MY FEET BEFORE YOU RE-CHAIN YOURSELF TO THE STOVE.

I also love how he specifies that he wants a woman who's "acquainted and knowledgabe about the English language" and has good grammar and spelling, yet his whole profile is riddled with misspellings. ("Knowledgabe?")

And that is only a tiny sampling. Oh my.

Date: 2010-01-19 05:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
You are brave.

You are braver than I am.

Date: 2010-01-19 05:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fifmeister.livejournal.com
Trust me, I only skimmed through it. Any longer spent on that page and my eyes likely would have burrowed themselves into my brain in an attempt to get away.

Date: 2010-01-19 05:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
I couldn't even come up with words. I still can't.

I can, however, do this:

Image (http://s14.photobucket.com/albums/a346/othersideofthesun/Macros/?action=view&current=00006wwx-1.jpg)

Image (http://s14.photobucket.com/albums/a346/othersideofthesun/Macros/?action=view&current=6c2a3fa0.jpg)

Image (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v109/cheney/Macros/?action=view&current=s4xg6u.jpg)

Image (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v109/cheney/?action=view&current=14alqpz.png)

Image (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v109/cheney/Macros/?action=view&current=thrillerinvalidargument.gif)

Image (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v109/cheney/Macros/?action=view&current=608-req01c.gif)

Image (http://photobucket.com/images/keyboard%20smash)

Date: 2010-01-19 05:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fifmeister.livejournal.com
So awesome. That crepes macro is especially made of win.

Also, why can't I stop staring at the "Thriller" gif?

Date: 2010-01-19 01:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
The crepes macro gets me every time.

Because it is pure unadulterated awesome.

Date: 2010-01-20 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] missright.livejournal.com
"MAKE ME A SAMMICH, WOMAN. YOU MAY BRING IT BEFORE ME AND LAY IT REVERENTLY AT MY FEET BEFORE YOU RE-CHAIN YOURSELF TO THE STOVE."

THIS CRACKED ME UP.

Date: 2010-01-20 01:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
PUTTING THAT ASSOCIATES' DEGREE TO GOOD USE.

Clearly he doesn't want his woman to travel, lest she get crazy liberal ideas... she might see all the liberties that, say, Muslim women have.

Date: 2010-01-19 01:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crock15.livejournal.com
I read this profile without drinking any coffee prior-to, and was hoping it was all a dream. Apparently not.

Date: 2010-01-19 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
I'm still holding out that hope.

Date: 2010-01-19 05:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] coventry-lance.livejournal.com
Yeah, my favorite sections:

This means my wife should be well acquainted and knowledgabe about the English language and know how to spell and use proper grammar, too (or for the most part). She probably has at least a 2 year degree (AA or AAS). She needs to set the example, like myself, that education is important to our kid(s). She is debt-free and saved up tens of thousands already so that she can stay home when a child comes. Most women aren't sacrificial enough to do this, so they are forced to work when a child comes.

Because of course you have to save up everything beforehand or there is no way you'll be able to stay home, if you wish. So here's my question: If you're brought up middle-class or poor, how do you get a degree and save up that much? And if you have that much, why would you look at him?

I don't want the sanguine (I) type. That is the exact opposite of me and we would drive each other crazy.

I want somebody exactly like me so I don't have to carry a mirror around to admire my wonderful qualities.

The 'i' is the adventurous, more irresponsible, non-planner, disorganized, non-detail oriented, non-frugal, goofy types .

Me! Or pretty close. I am apparently the opposite of a Godly woman in this man's views. I am so okay with that in this particular case.

I'm looking for the conservative, non-adventurous (outside of the "oneness" in marriage, which I want to be wild),

I can guarantee nobody wanted to know that last part. And if you have no idea how to be adventurous in any other way, how do you think you'll manage this, anyway?

frugal, simple, practical, loyal, grew up poor or lower middle class so she is used to living simply and content with it. She is a non-traveler type and doesn't have tattoos, never smoked, never did drugs. I'd prefer a non-drinker, too, as I am (You are a drinker?) and don't want alcohol in my household. Guess he'll drink outside or just at bars.

And yeah, I don't get why traveling is bad, either. Maybe because it costs money. You're supposed to save lots of money but never spend it. Apparently hoarding is a good quality.

Date: 2010-01-19 01:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
And this is exactly why I want to need to believe this is a troll... but who has that kind of time?

TENS OF THOUSANDS, WHAT.

Also, why would you go for a degree just to ~stay home~?




I NEED A MACRO BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE APPROPRIATE ENOUGH.

WHAT.

WHAAAAT.

IDK, this?

Image (http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v109/cheney/Macros/?action=view&current=weseewhatyoudid.jpg)

edited because HTML is hard.
Edited Date: 2010-01-19 01:04 pm (UTC)

I had no idea!!

Date: 2010-02-11 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marylea.livejournal.com
So I'm married and not in the "looking" game as some of you here are, but let me say I had no idea that there were people posting such nonsense. This guy has no clue who *he* is, let alone what elements would make a happy and loving marriage. Christian?? I think Jesus, himself, would dope slap him. And I mean no irreverence in saying that. This guy is like the Pharisees who thought they knew everything and had a very narrow interpretation of what makes people "good".

That said, I love the comments here and the posters. This cat one has me really smiling.

God bless you all, and good luck. Don't be discouraged, and don't waste your precious time with people who don't understand how much they have been forgiven themselves. Nobody is perfect out there, so find someone who is a decent human being, fun, and that you LIKE. There is no Mr. or Ms. Perfect. But there is someone who will be perfect for you. Keep it real. :-)

Re: Best case scenario

Date: 2010-02-13 01:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
I would like to think that - unfortunately this guy seems to have put his entire life into preparing his internet dating profile.

EEK.

Yes... there's definitely a reason he's still single. D:

Date: 2010-01-19 07:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caveat-lect0r.livejournal.com
Oh dear God. Men like this practically make my vagina hermetically seal itself. (TMI, but it needs to be said. AND SAID TO THEM. IN PERSON.)

Date: 2010-01-19 01:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
NO, I WANT TO SAY IT TO THEM IN PERSON.

BUT HE DOESN'T WANT ACCESS TO YOURS ANYWAY, BB.

Date: 2010-01-19 07:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caveat-lect0r.livejournal.com
AND WHAT THE FUCK WITH THE FATPHOBIA AND WANTING A BEAUTIFUL RICH EDUCATED VIRGIN WHO STAYS AT HOME FOR HIM AND NEVER SPENDS MONEY WHEN HE IS A GIANT PEDANTIC MORONIC FUGLY BASTARD

FUCK FUCK FUCK

THIS IS NOT 1800 BUDDY BASTARD

I HOPE HE NEVER GETS LAID IN HIS ENTIRE PATHETIC EXISTENCE AND DIES MASTURBATING HIMSELF TO A FRENZY WHILE WATCHING AMERICAN IDOL IN HIS CHEAP HOUSE WITH HIS CHEAP FOOD AND RIDICULOUSLY HIGH OPINION OF HIS OWN SORRY ASS

I HAVE TO STOP READING THIS BEFORE I HAVE AN ANEURYSM

THIS.

Date: 2010-01-19 01:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
That's why I only skimmed it. I was seriously going to hurt myself or others. And I felt dirty just reading it.

In 1800, things were better. WTF IS THIS.
Edited Date: 2010-01-19 01:08 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-19 03:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bobsnuggles.livejournal.com
I have to go to class, but I NEED to comment more later. Just... good lord.

Date: 2010-01-20 01:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
Yes, please comment later! I need your rage.

Date: 2010-01-21 04:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bobsnuggles.livejournal.com
I've thought on this. Pondered, and questioned, and tried to rationalize. And I guess my main reaction, opinion, what-have-you is that these people seems to think that being relgious is somehow a justification for douchebaggery....

They need some ed hardy.

Date: 2010-01-20 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] something-else.livejournal.com
Late to the party as usual, but holy hand grenades, batman!

And men say women are illogical.

Date: 2010-01-20 04:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
What I don't understand is how this is a real person... and no one has killed or severly injured him yet.

I would volunteer.

What a gem!

Date: 2010-01-24 08:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] enchantedsonata.livejournal.com
Of mockings that is.

"I watch TV a lot at night."
You can't travel, or shop, or EVER spend money at all, or be free thinking, but yet it's okay to watch tv? Does anyone find this ironic?

"I chat online and spread my godly emails on summaries of Christian books I've read."

Wow, how godly of you.

"I don't go out and do things usually at all, unless a Church singles get together or to exercise or play sports, for example."

Yes!!!! A boring waste of space of my very own!

"I love coaching volleyball, not only for the coaching but being able to teach about God to some and or confront immorality that I hear going on in their life. "

OR

"I prefer to stay in and watch TV or read Christian books or study up on the cults, or type of quotes from one of the many Christian books I own to help educate those within Christianity who don't read much on theology or marriage."

The words that come to mind? Pompous Ass.

Re: What a gem!

Date: 2010-01-24 02:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com


omg.

"I don't go out and do things usually at all"

Why would you advertise that?!

Date: 2010-01-24 08:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] madamguillotine.livejournal.com
I can say nothing about any of this, because my fingers are in my mouth, and I am weeping.

Date: 2010-01-25 12:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
Yes. That is the proper response.

Totally off topic.

Date: 2010-01-25 04:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lilacharlotte.livejournal.com
Hey, this is Charlotte (theonegirlarmy). I switched LiveJournal accounts; can you friend me again? :)

Ugh

Date: 2010-01-31 05:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] craggy.livejournal.com
Wow. Words.. I just... ugh!

I did however find this interesting. On the bottom of that page there's this little gem:
"If you suspect this member is a SCAMMER or is being deceitful PLEASE CLICK HERE and let us know so that we can check them out"

Deceitful, yes. BECAUSE HOW DOES ANYONE REALLY THINK THAT WAY?? :(

Re: Ugh

Date: 2010-02-13 01:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saintcheney.livejournal.com
I thought about it and almost did it but he was too entertaining.
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