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[personal profile] saintcheney
OKCupid (oh, OKCupid... the stories I could tell... and someday I will) really needs to add a "no chance in hell" button, and it would be a button that notifies the person that you clicked it.

Today I had a conversation with another person. This person asked me what I did over the weekend. This is a completely legitimate and acceptable question - the fact that I hate it because it only seems to get asked when I have done nothing over the weekend is my own issue that I need to work through. I had done nothing over the weekend, but I felt very pleased with having done nothing, since it was the first weekend in a long time that I had the chance to do nothing. My past month or so of Saturdays have been busy, and my Sundays are always the same: my mother and I go to Chipotle, some store that sells purchaseable goods, and Starbucks. So I said I did nothing, but that I had read some books.

This naturally led to the question of, "Oh, what did you read?" and I had to think long and hard and remember what I had read specifcally this weekend, because finally, after two months of not being able to settle down, I have been plowing through books very quickly. The only one I could remember reading over this weekend (and not last week, or last night) was Philip Yancey's Disappointment With God, so I said that I had read that.

This person asked if I was disappointed with God. I had realized, as I opened my mouth, that the conversation would turn there, and I was and am already so angry beyond words at this person for competely separate reasons, that I was definitley not in the mood. Dismissively, I said "no, not really", and it isn't a lie at all, because the honest answer to that question is not so far off from "no, not really." I didn't read the book out of any deep hurt or anguish over my perceptions of God. Had I been thinking more clearly I would have said something clever, like, "No more than usual" or "So are we all" or told the truth, which was that I read it because, while I am not any more disappointed with God than I have been in the past and that I have been over and through it a million times before and likely will again and this is actually an off-season for me in dealing with it, I want to read things that consistently reaffirm the only thing I have found to be constant in my life. And that is that my perceptions and assumptions about who God is are rarely correct, that he usually does not fit in my container, that "everything I thought I knew" is really usually kind of wonky, and that I want validation that I can be angry and outraged at the lie that God is in the business of making us happy, or successful, or financially secure.

I didn't say any of this, not out of wisdom, but simply because it didn't occur to me at all.

I suppose I can just be glad that I didn't answer the question with, "I read Real Sex by Lauren Winner."
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saintcheney: (Default)

December 2012

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