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75 Steps to Friendship with Sarah/Cheney/Me
by Skip Lively

75 Steps to friendship with Sarah:
1. Annoy her.
2. Be disliked by her.
3. Be hated by her.
4. Complain about being insulted by her.
5. Be hated by her. Intensely.
6. Cry about being insulted by her.
7. Be ordered off the board by her.
8. Yell about the board being public.
9. Be yelled at.
10. Engage in all out fight.
11. Be laughed at.
12. Threaten to leave.
13. Be cheered on at threat.
14. Cry again.
15. Offer peace to Sarah.
16. Be scoffed at and yelled off board.
17. Actually leave the board.
18. For 9 days.
19. Declare, upon return, that you decided that you couldn't let yourself be bullied. It would set a bad example for others.
20. Rally like-minded posters to your side and cling to them.
21. Be ignored and summarily dismissed by her.
22. Decide Sarah is much cooler than aforementioned like-minded friends.
23. Offer peace again.
24. Be rejected. Again.
25. Enjoy short period of relative peace because Skip has yelled at Sarah semi-on-your-behalf.
26. Attack next new poster as a gesture of the extended peace.
27. Be scoffed at by Sarah. And Skip.
28. Attack all subsequent posters with greater voracity.
29. Be joined by Sarah's newer 'friends.'
30. Talk to Sarah on IM.
31. Be mocked by Sarah on IM.
32. Be mocked by Saran on IM under all four of her currently-operating alternative screen names.
33. Cry. For the third time.
34. Attempt to implement Sarah's mocking techniques in your own IM conversations.
35. Lose friends as a result.
36. Be dubbed an evil "clone" by Sarah's older friends.
37. Vehemently deny all cloned characteristics.
38. Claim you haven't changed.
39. Be scoffed at.
40. Acknowledge you have changed, but not that much.
41. Repeatedly change opinion back and forth in order to follow The Sarah.
42. Make an utterly random post about the futility and sin of marketing Christianity.
43. Be called a clone. Again.
44. Become very confused about how to act when Sarah and Her Old Friends take different sides of an issue.
45. Choose to side with Sarah.
46. Break down and fall into prolonged silence when Sarah changes her opinion.
47. Become topic of much off-board conversation. You will be unaware of this.
48. Be IM'd by Sarah while she is participating in step 47.
49. Be shocked, flattered, and generally confused.
50. Fail to realize that Sarah is acting out of desperate boredom.
51. Furthermore fail to realize that your conversation with her has been posted in livejournal.
52. Make a post acknowledging Sarah's greatness and your own previous stupidity.
53. Appall Sarah with this post.
54. Attack next new poster on slightly more sophisticated issues. Like punctuation.
55. Become good friends with the New Friends of Sarah clique.
56. Pick 'Your Pet Topic.' (including, but not limited to, WWJD?, online dating, all-caps typing, and such broader topics as commercialization, hypocrisy, and emotional hype)
57. Continue to agree with Sarah, but with less accolades.
58. Begin to post with more confidence.
59. Confidently post that you just ate a Zoroastrian tomato.
60. Begin to post exactly as you did when you first arrived, but with less grammatical errors and less Christian-ese.
61. Frequently make yourself the target of jokes. Purposefully.
62. Invoke the trout.
63. Be yelled at, fiercely, by Sarah and Old Friends.
64. Temporarily revert back to step 52.
65. Learn to avoid old inside jokes and rapidly re-progress through steps.
66. Finally lose the constant fear of Sarah's Wrath.
67. Scream with delight when Sarah agrees with something you say.
68. Learn to scream to yourself.
69. Denounce person on step 24 as a clone.
70. Be denounced, off-board, as a clone of Sarah's Older Friends.
71. Have an IM conversation with Sarah which does not involve mockery.
72. Allow time to pass.
73. Build friendships with others.
74. Rely on Sarah, and Sarah's Opinions, less.
75. Become part of an inside joke. That you're in on.

With these 75 steps and then another year of reemphasizing steps 73, 74, and 75, you'll be well on your way!


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December 2012

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